I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
