im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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