Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
