I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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