She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
