i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
