Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
