I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
