so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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