Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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