Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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