I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
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