I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
We have started to decorate penises.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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