The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Randomize
