His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
