I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
