I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
