it's not cheating when I paid for it
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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