just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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