Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
