Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
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