Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Are my feet made of real feet?
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
