i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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