Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
