the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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