im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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