yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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