how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
