he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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