Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Randomize
