Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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