It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
