The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
