I feel great
I just peed on a car
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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