If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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