By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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