Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
