the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
