I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Randomize
