totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
