So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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