I can't watch pbs sober anymore
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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