No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
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the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
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pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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