i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
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