I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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