explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
