Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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