I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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