Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
