Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
