dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.