Pants 0. Shit 1.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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