happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
my liver is dry heaving
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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