I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
