everyone is single if you try hard enough
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
ok first of all what the fuck
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
