Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
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...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
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The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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