Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
we're making bets on your personal life
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
